A Daughter’s Cry

Closure has never felt so agonizing. A searing moment in a daughter’s anguished mind.

…the beginning of the end starts here…

July 30th, 1994, a 23 year old man left the earth with two beautiful daughters, one 2 years old and the other 8 months old, to grieve in silence as their years progressed. Today, that 2 year old is now 25 and is more lost than ever.

I don’t too much try to let my life be impacted by not having a father, but it definitely has. Realizing the woman that I am today and how different I would have been having my father around to correct my many mistakes makes me wonder “what if?” I didn’t have that man there to tell me what I deserved as a young girl and how to be treated, and to keep my damn legs closed because these boys just want one thing. I had to figure it out from many, many mistakes, mistakes that I strongly believe would have been avoided with having my dad in my ear. I went through a short stage of promiscuity and tried to find a male figure through every unsuccessful relationship that resulted in a number of broken hearts. What if, right?

EVERY Father’s Day is hard. I didn’t cry this past one though; some sort of progression when I see my own child with a father in his life, the same age that I lost mine. And my sister, my beautiful baby sister, who may be even more lost in life than I am. She’s 23. The age that our father lost his life. It’s crazy, life, and how things play out. What kind of women would we have been? How different would life have been? Struggles would have been less, questions would have been few.

I don’t know if you and my mother would have made it this long (according to accounts of you guys’s history, I doubt it), but at least she wouldn’t have been a single mother. You would’ve taken care of us. There are a lot of stories, not so good ones too, but hell, who’s perfect? One thing that I was told was that you definitely were a good father, and as your daughter, that is all that matters. I just wish I could have seen it for myself, or at least remembered. I’ve always needed you. I still do. I need your direction, that fatherly love that every daughter needs. My decisions are a mess. My life is a bigger mess, because I’m without you. A father that I so desperately need, even more now than ever. But I understand. God makes no mistakes.

And to the man that took that life away from me:

As you continue to live your uncanny life, with no life at all with the burden on your shoulder and an imprisoned mind; you don’t even realize what you’ve done. You took a man from his daughters who needed him. It may have not been intended for him, but you did it. And now you will live , caged, because God will make vengeance┬áHis, one way or another. But you don’t even realize what you’ve done. I’ve had a man break me mentally because I didn’t have a father to help me realize my own self-security. All thanks to the fuckin coward that took him away from me. I wish I can look you in the eye and watch your soul bleed. Bleed out. I don’t forgive you. At least not now. This is only the beginning of healing, and as of right now…I hate you!

Closure has never felt so agonizing. A searing moment in a daughter’s anguished mind.

…the beginning of the end starts here…

Sincerely,

A father’s daughter.

“Daddy’s little girl, paints the world with her magic wand.”

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